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Martha Stewart Etiquette Guide For Rednecks
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed it's time to change sheets.
- Even if you're CERTAIN that you are included in the will ...
it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
- A centerpiece for the table should NEVER be prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do NOT allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as it tends to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wantin' to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up as soon as the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they cannot hear you.
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires ALWAYS has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
- Do NOT lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.