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Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say . . . .
Don't dirty your T-shirt wiping that up. Use my blouse.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want em?
That was fun. When will all of your friends be over to watch porn movies again?
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one.
What a wonderful Valentine's Day gift!
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal, they'll still cover the point spread.
I know my parents are in the other room, but I want to have sex with you right here, right now!
Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time. Then you won't have to mess with it anymore.
I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, you big silly!
Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say....
I've decided that I'm a boob and ought to get a job.
When I start bringing home paychecks, how big do you want 'em?
Honey, you look gorgeous in all 12 dresses. Buy them all! Then let's shop for just the right jewelry to match each outfit.
While you were in the bathroom, Martha Stewart decorated the gingerbread house with candied walnuts imported from France. You made it back just in time. She's about to install the gingerbread four-post bed in the edible master bedroom. It's darling, isn't it?
I was just at the Bed-Bath-Kitchen-Closet-Linens-Knick-Knacks-and-Beyond Store, and I bought us a deluxe antique-style bathroom set that includes a matching tissue dispenser, throw rug, soap dish, towel-warmer, toothbrush-holder, toiler-paper cutter and air-freshener-sprouter. Each piece has that faux-art-deco trimming you find so adorable.
Honey, is the new In Style magazine in today's mail? It was supposed to come yesterday!
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