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TWENTY RESPONSES TO USE WITH TELEMARKETERS
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died . . .. "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where
it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work
there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many
kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky
voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun
if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends,
would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they
can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if
he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her
back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out
their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at
right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put
them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . .
.. louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word
down.
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